Quick find:

Loremaster says, "Your task here is a simple one, you must fight each other."
Aprocter says, "With our lightning wit? Sorry, I'm only half armed."
Loremaster says, "However you choose"
Aprocter says, "Phailo, I challenge you to a duel. Choose a whole number
    between four and six, exclusive."
Phailo says, "I think that makes five."
Loremaster says, "On second thought, I have a friend who will challenge you to
    a battle of wits. He is behind this house."
Aprocter says, "Five's the number I chose too! We both win!"
Aprocter says, "Alright. We'll combine forces and match wit for wit."
Phailo nods.
Aprocter says, "Shall we go outside to meet him?"
Phailo nods.
Aprocter steps outside and orbits the house.
Phailo goes outside and around to the back.
Dungeon Master says, "Behind the house is a man with a table. On the table is a
    bottle of wine, and two glasses, filled to the brim."
Man says, "Only one of you may come forward."
Aprocter says, "Excellent, I'm somewhat thirsty - I'll do this."
Phailo says, "Sure, you can go."
Aprocter steps up to the table
Man says, "Before us is two glasses of wine. I have put poison in one of them.
    Choose. When you have chosen we shall both drink."
Phailo [ooc] Let the battle of wits begin.
Aprocter says, "So I have to decide from what I know of you whether you are the
    sort of person who would train himself to take poison and live."
Phailo [ooc] Is the man wearing a black mask?
DMK [ooc] He is, as a matter of fact.
[ooc] Phailo nods.
[Masked Man] smiles at Aprocter
Aprocter says, "I'm going to ask you one question, and I want you to give me an
    honest answer."
[Masked Man] says, "You're stalling."
Aprocter says, "If you were me, and you wished to lose this contest, and you
    knew where I had put the poison, but you wanted to take the poison
    yourself, would you drink this wine or try to play with your opponent's
[ooc] Phailo laughs out loud!
Aprocter says, "It's possible. I may only be stalling because I lack the
    strength to get up."
[Masked Man] says, "Are you finished?"
Aprocter says, "No, I wasn't. The next thing you will lose is your left brain,
    followed by your right."
Aprocter says, "Your ears you will keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every
    word I say to you, every annoying bar of music from my Rod and Retained
    Employees, will be yours to cherish."
Aprocter says, "Drop... your... bluff."
[Masked Man] says, "This poison is odorless, tasteless and comes from a remote
    area of Wonderland where we used to send convicted criminals. Does that
[ooc] Phailo laughs out loud!
Aprocter says, "No, no it doesn't. But you may want to start drinking, because
    you're going to be downing both these glasses before I'm done."
Aprocter says, "In fact, you'll welcome the poison, as an alternative to my
    droning on and on until your brain seeks to escape through your ear."
[Masked Man] says, "Have you made your choice?"
Aprocter says, "Yep."
Aprocter says, "I choose you."
[Masked Man] says, "The wine in front of me?"
[Masked Man] says, "Or the wine in front of you?"
Aprocter says, "Yes, both, and you to drink them."
[Masked Man] says, "You choose one."
Aprocter says, "Offer me money."
Aprocter says, "Magic, too, promise me that."
[Masked Man] says, "I would offer you a sword in your throat"
Aprocter says, "My name is Aprocter the Bard. You killed my appetite. Prepare
    to die!"
Phailo [ooc] I'm loving this!
Aprocter [ooc] And... loving it.
Aprocter [ooc] Six.
Aprocter [ooc] Five. That one wasn't IC.
[ooc] Phailo grins.
Aprocter says, "Well, Phailo, Fixyn, this is where things get interesting."
Aprocter says, "Frankly, I think he's bluffing. He either poisoned both, or
    poisoned neither, and either way, he doesn't want to drink from either
DMK [ooc] Tell you what. I'm going to have a smoke. And you decide for when I
    come back, okay?
[ooc] [Masked Man] grins.
[ooc] Aprocter laughs.
Aprocter [ooc] I still want him to drink both
Aprocter says, "Now, he thinks that I'm going to choose one cup, and that I
    have a nightmare before me as I choose between life and death."
Aprocter says, "But the truth is that there is no appreciable difference
    between the cups. Either they are both poisoned, or neither is poisoned, or
    one is and we cannot tell the difference."
Aprocter says, "Consequently, it makes not one florin of difference which one I
    take - if I indeed take one."
Aprocter says, "So the most sensible action is to not take one."
Aprocter says, "There are two options, then. Either I take both, or I take
Aprocter says, "And quite frankly, all this talking has left me thirsty."
Aprocter takes first the nearer one, then the other, and drains both glasses
    in quick succession.
Aprocter eyes the man in black. "Haha! You fell victim to one of the classic
    blunders - never go up against a madman when logic is on the line!"
DMK [ooc] I'm back!
Aprocter [ooc] > become back
[ooc] Phailo grins.
[Masked Man] says to Aprocter, "You chose wrong."
Phailo [ooc] Really? I never would have guessed.
[ooc] Phailo whistles.
[ooc] Phailo whistles innocently.
Aprocter says, "That's what's so funny! You only THINK I chose wrong!"
Aprocter says, "I drank because I was thirsty! HA HA HA HA!!!"
[Loremaster] says, "Dear oh dear. Nevertheless, the key you seek is in the
    middle of the pool of tears, on a tiny island. However, you'd better hurry.
    Both other contestants are already on their way there."
Aprocter says, "Excellent. May we borrow your Jabberwock to get there more
[Loremaster] says, "No."
DMK [ooc] And with that. We shall end
[ooc] Aprocter grins.
Phailo [ooc] Thanks for the awesome session, DM.
Aprocter [ooc] Love the terseness. Behind that "No" is the thought "Aprocter,
    what an *idiot* you are for even asking"